
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/330023.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Rose_Lalonde/Dave_Strider, John_Egbert/Dave_Strider
  Character:
      Dave_Strider, Rose_Lalonde, John_Egbert
  Additional Tags:
      Crack, Cunnilingus, Anal_Sex, Ritual_Sex, Kink_Meme
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-01-30 Words: 3249
****** Order of the Secret Wizards ******
by FailureArtist
Summary
     Dave Strider is intitated into the club run by Rose Lalonde. A very
     weird club.
     From the kink meme.
&#xA0;
Dave&#x2019;s unshaded eyes opened when the strange rays of LOLAR touched them.
He had gone to sleep in his own Land, under the watchful shades of Davesprite,
so he was disoriented to say the least. His immediate action was to put back on
his shades, but when he moved his arms, he found them tightly wrapped in
bedsheets. The ground was cold and hard beneath him. He looked up and saw in
the light the shape of Rose Lalonde.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I hope this is some other person who just happens to be spotting
Lalonde&#x2019;s haircut,&#x201D; he said.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Relax, Dave,&#x201D; came Rose&#x2019;s voice.
&#xA0;
But Dave didn&#x2019;t relax. He burst out of the sheets only to find he was
completely naked. Blushing for the first time in his life he wrapped the sheet
into an impromptu toga. He then noticed he wasn&#x2019;t just with Rose. Around
the stone platform were various consorts in bedsheet togas. He turned to Rose
and saw she was draped in a lavender toga.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Okay, show me to the directory and point out the arrow that says
&#x2018;You Are Here&#x2019; and then show me where the emergency exits
are,&#x201D; he said.
&#xA0;
Rose answered, &#x201C;You are in the Temple of the Secret Wizards in the Land
of Light and Rain. Lovely place, isn&#x2019;t it? I think it resembles the
Pantheon in Rome, such as in the domed roof providing light via a small hole
called an oculus...&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yes, thanks for the architectural lesson, now tell me how the hell I
got here.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Davesprite transported you while you were in your somnolent state. He
then absconded to take care of matters in the Land of Heat and
Clockwork.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Now that we got &#x2018;where&#x2019; and &#x2018;how&#x2019; out of
the way, can we get to &#x2018;why&#x2019;?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose opened her arms wide and turned her head to the restless crowd.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Dave Strider, you have been brought to these hallowed ground to
participate in a most sacred ritual: the Initiation of a Secret Wizard. For you
have been chosen, due to your bravery, nobility, and strength, to be the newest
member of the Order of the Secret Wizards.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Don&#x2019;t wanna.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose whipped her head back. &#x201C;Why?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Why would I? It sounds like some dumb kids&#x2019; club, no, some dumb
kids&#x2019; club in a movie about the power of friendship. Really, the Order
of the Secret Wizards? It&#x2019;s not even good fantasy. Shouldn&#x2019;t it
be some made-up word like the Order of Ellador?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose whispered, &#x201C;I know, I don&#x2019;t like the name either, it sounds
like something my mother would fabricate and make a ridiculous hat for, but it
is comes with great benefits.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;What benefits? And don&#x2019;t say a hat.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You not only go up a level, you gain a new tier called &#x2018;Secret
Wizard&#x2019; which gives you greater power over your consorts.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I run circles around those dumb crocs without any special
powers.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Really? Then why did I scry you in a bubbling cauldron surrounded by
your consorts?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I worked it out with them, told them I was too gamy after years of
sword duels.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You have not harnessed the great power the consorts have.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I really doubt the crocs have any great powers. Some of them
don&#x2019;t have any arms.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I have found my turtles make excellent familiars, and John has found
his own uses for the salamanders.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Egbert is in this club too?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;He is the second member and he has already risen two levels.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Well, I might as well join my best bro. Maybe we could sit together
during ceremonies, make snide comments to each other, riff the liturgy.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;As long as I can get you to join I will excuse your blasphemy. I want
all of us to be in this order.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I&#x2019;m sure Jade will like it. This is just like some anime, she
can be a Magical Girl.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I must admit I do enjoy the pomp and circumstance of it all.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Of course, you got a wizard fetish.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose scowled. She then turned back to the crowd.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;The Knight of Time has accepted the honor!&#x201D; she called out,
&#x201C;The Initiation shall commence!&#x201D;&#xA0;
&#xA0;
Rose went over to Dave and pulled off his toga. Dave pulled it back off of her
and jumped back.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;What the fuck! It&#x2019;s bad enough my eyes are naked.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose said to him, &#x201C;Your nudity represents rebirth. I will disrobe also
for this ceremony.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
And she did so. Dave looked at his ectosister but did not stare. She was kind
of plump and her breast were small, but she looked too good for someone he
wasn&#x2019;t supposed to be attracted to. She held out her hand expectantly.
He paused for a long time, then with a grumble took off his toga and placed it
in her hand. He crossed his legs. He was glad that the temple was warm, if a
bit humid.
&#xA0;
She placed the robes on a tray borne by a turtle consort who immediately took
it away. She turned to him, grabbed his left hand with hers and lifted it up,
pulling him out of his modest stance. He could have sworn he saw a flash go
off.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Now comes the Adoration of the High Priestess!&#x201D; Rose called out.
&#xA0;
Dave whispered to Rose, &#x201C;Let me guess, you&#x2019;re the leader of this
little cult.&#x201D; She nodded.
&#xA0;
She let go of his hand and he decided not to bother covering himself up again.
Let these neuter creatures enjoy his glorious spamporpoise. She turned again to
some turtle consorts.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Bring the Carpet of Submission and the Throne of Dominance.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
He mouthed, &#x201C;Dominance? Submission?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
A turtle brought up a small purple rug and unrolled it. Two other turtles
brought up a strange black chair with a wide U-shaped seat and placed it on the
rug. Rose went in front of the chair. She hesitated to sit in it but finally
did. Sitting like that forced her legs wide open.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Knight of Time, I order you- I order you to kneel!&#x201D; Rose
stuttered.
&#xA0;
He kneeled, assuming she would knight him with a wand or something like that.
Instead she bent down and whispered,
&#xA0;
&#x201C;It gets very awkward here.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You mean it wasn&#x2019;t awkward before?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;For the next part you have to adulate me.&#x201D; She paused.
&#x201C;Orally.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
He moved back. &#x201C;What the fuck, what sort of fucked-up ritual is this?
Why does this game have a sex side quest? Did you get it from Japan?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yes, I know it&#x2019;s strange but if you haven&#x2019;t noticed this
whole game is strange. I have heard later parts involve breeding.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;This is still totally optional and I don&#x2019;t give a fuck if I
don&#x2019;t get a 100% completion and the super secret ending, I am not doing
this.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;So you take back the honor of being a Secret Wizard? That seems a pity.
John was looking forward this. He wanted to make a bet on who could get to the
top first.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I would&#x2019;ve won.&#x201D; Dave looked at her breasts. &#x201C;So,
we are siblings, aren&#x2019;t we?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I know that must make you feel awkward.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Makes me think of that first &#x2018;Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff&#x2019;.
Hey bro, now you&#x2019;re doing your mom! That makes you a secret
wizard!&#x201D;&#xA0;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You have a most queer sense of humor.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Whole thing is pretty ironic. After making fun of incest I end up
incesting out.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
She gave him a look that said she didn&#x2019;t think it was ironic but she
wasn&#x2019;t going to argue.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Okay,&#x201D; he sighed, &#x201C;I&#x2019;ll play along with this
&#x2018;Castle Anthrax&#x2019; mission. Turn off your grail-shaped
beacon.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave scooted back up and put his hands on Rose&#x2019;s thighs. He checked her
out. She had only a few light blond hairs on her mound. He looked at her ass
the best he could with her sitting down and it looked pretty fine. Her clitoris
was completely hidden. He was starting from the very beginning. He took a big
breath, pushed back her outer labia, and started licking her clit. She grunted
in disapproval. He decided to lay off the clit until he warmed her up. He
started at her thighs and slowly moved in. Rose helped by grunting when he did
the wrong thing and moaning when he did the right thing. She also moved things
along by rubbing her breasts. It still seemed to take forever. Just when his
tongue was about to give out she gave a long shudder and after her orgasm was
done, patted him on the head. He lifted his head and looked into her admittedly
very pretty violent eyes. He wished he had his shades. He was afraid his eyes
looked too needy. Plus, he had bushy eyebrows.
&#xA0;
He said, &#x201C;Hey, was it good for you, baby?&#x201D; with what he hoped was
an ironic approach to such a cheesy line.
&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;&#xA0;
She replied, &#x201C;Honestly, well, you did better your first time.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#xA0;&#x201C;How many first times have I had??&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave sat kneeling as he wondered what exactly he would never ask Davesprite.
Rose stood up, put back on her toga, and turned to the crowd.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;The High Priestess is satisfied with the Knight of Time!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Better be damn well satisfied,&#x201D; Dave murmured under his breath.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;The Heir of Breath shall now enter!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
The Heir of Breath entered. He was draped in a blue toga and escorted by four
salamanders.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Hi Dave!&#x201D; he called out, his hand in the air.
&#xA0;
Dave buried his head in his hands. &#x201C;Fuck why is he here?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose turned to Dave. &#x201C;As a senior member he is required for the next
part.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I&#x2019;m afraid to ask what that part is.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;As well you should.&#x201D; She turned to John. &#x201C;Heir of Breath,
approach the platform.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
The crowd cleared and John walked up too casually for what was supposed to be
grand occasion. Dave turned his head away.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Hey, Rose, what do you want me to do?&#x201D; He then lowered his
voice. &#x201C;Is it also something weird?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
She answered, also in a low voice, &#x201C;It depends on what you think is
weird, well, I&#x2019;ll read you what it says in the liturgy.&#x201D; She
turned to one of the turtles. &#x201C;Bring me the sacred scroll.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
The turtle brought the &#x2018;sacred scroll&#x2019;, which looked a lot like a
Lisa Frank notebook. Rose went to a sticky marked page and started reading:
&#xA0;
&#x201C;After the Adoration of the High Priestess, a senior member shall take
the Initiate and,&#x201D; she paused, &#x201C;Fill him with his glory.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Oh Egbert don&#x2019;t ask what that means,&#x201D; Dave mumbled.
&#xA0;
But John asked, &#x201C;How do I do that?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose took a deep breath. &#x201C;You put your penis in his anus.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Both boys yelled, &#x201C;WHAT?!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yes, you must have sex with each other.&#x201D; She held up the
&#x2018;scroll&#x2019;. &#x201C;It says so in the text.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave stood up. &#x201C;That&#x2019;s it, I&#x2019;ve had enough of this sex
cult!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John added, &#x201C;Yeah, this is weirder than doing it with Rose. This is
homosexual stuff.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
She shook her head. &#x201C;Such a shame. After all the trouble you went
through making me reach orgasm, your incest comes to nothing.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;It wasn&#x2019;t any trouble!&#x201D; Dave shot back, &#x201C;I rocked
your world.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John said, &#x201C;The oral sex was difficult. I think this is even more
difficult. Especially for Dave.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;First-time anal sex can be very painful for the receiver, and Dave
wouldn&#x2019;t be used to it.&#x201D; she remarked.&#xA0;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You two think I don&#x2019;t know pain?&#x201D; Dave pointed at John.
&#x201C;I could take what he can throw at me, which I bet is more like a ping-
pong ball than a dodge ball.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John frowned. &#x201C;That&#x2019;s mean, Dave!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Then show me. We&#x2019;re doing this bro. We are making this
happen.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Rose smirked. She turned to one of Dave&#x2019;s consorts this time.
&#x201C;Bring the Lubrication of Friendship.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
The crocodile brought a big jar filled with white stuff. Rose took it and gave
it to John.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Use it liberally,&#x201D; she told him.
&#xA0;
Dave piped in, &#x201C;You better use the whole jar.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John took the jar. Rose stepped back as John walked onto the platform. He
looked Dave in the eyes with curiosity.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Wow, your eyes look weird,&#x201D; he said.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yes, I know, I&#x2019;ve had them for thirteen years,&#x201D; Dave
replied.
&#xA0;
John looked down at his feet. &#x201C;We don&#x2019;t have to kiss, do
we?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Of course not, that would be too gay. We&#x2019;ll just get on with
it.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave sighed and turned around.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Glad I don&#x2019;t have to see your O-face.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John opened the jar and put a big dollop on his right fingers. He put his left
hand on Dave&#x2019;s butt and Dave bent over with a sigh. John took his
fingers and wiped them over Dave&#x2019;s buttcrack. The lube was cold at first
but quickly warmed up. He realized need to do more to prepare Dave, he took his
index finger and slowly entered him. Dave clenched down but then relaxed. It
did feel a little weird, but it wasn&#x2019;t like Dave had never stuck a
finger in there, just to see what it felt like. But he had never stuck two
fingers in there. He started to feel stretched out and he felt more stretched
out when John started to scissor his fingers. His fingers curled and pushed
against Dave&#x2019;s sensitive walls and Dave was afraid John would find
something really good. When he thought he&#x2019;d done a good job John pulled
the fingers out. He took off his robe, put another dollop on his hands and
started fisting his flaccid dick. He turned over and looked at Rose.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Umm, could you give me a hand?&#x201D; he asked.
&#xA0;
Dave turned around and saw to his surprise his sister actually was giving John
a handjob. This is like some sort of hillbilly orgy, Dave thought. Because he
had to see what the murder weapon was he watched John&#x2019;s growing dick. To
his dismay it was big, not porn star huge, but bigger than he&#x2019;d want for
his first time. Not that he ever planned on having a first time, mind you. When
John&#x2019;s dick was good enough for government work, Rose stopped servicing
him and stepped back. John put his hands on Dave&#x2019;s hips, smearing them
with lube, and pressed himself against him.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Are-are you ready for this?&#x201D; John whispered.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;It&#x2019;s not like I could ever be ready for this,&#x201D; Dave
replied.
&#xA0;
John took this to be a yes. He pushed in and after a few painful false starts,
got it in the hole. John&#x2019;s dick wasn&#x2019;t very long (probably only
five inches, Dave figured in his head) but it was thick. John did a good enough
job lubricating so there was no friction, only the feeling of being stretched
out. He moved in slowly but Dave still felt like he was being invaded. When he
was balls deep, he paused.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Are you feeling okay?&#x201D; he asked.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I&#x2019;m not screaming in pain if that&#x2019;s what you&#x2019;re
asking,&#x201D; Dave answered.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I&#x2019;m feeling amazing! Sex is so awesome! It&#x2019;s like being
wrapped in a warm, wet blanket of fudge!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Before Dave could criticize that metaphor, John gave a few small, experimental
strokes. He obviously enjoyed the sex better than the mechanical groping Rose
gave him, because his dick began to grow inside of Dave. It jumped and Dave
gasped.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yeah, it&#x2019;s getting bigger, isn&#x2019;t it?&#x201D; John cooed,
&#x201C;Getting bigger than yours.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Shut up, nobody is impressed, most of them probably don&#x2019;t know
what a dick is,&#x201D; Dave said through closed teeth.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;You care, cause it means I&#x2019;m better than you.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John started going faster and deeper. Dave groaned. Now it really hurt. He
gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the pain. But something worse came up -
he started feeling pleasure. It indeed felt like taking a really good shit.
With his thrusts John was hitting that fabled spot, the prostate. Dave listened
to John&#x2019;s girly moans and thought no, no, no, he never wanted to enjoy
being filled up by this dork. He wanted to be filled with Jade!
&#xA0;
He suddenly wondered why he thought of Jade and, more importantly, why he want
a girl to do that.
&#xA0;
Dave looked down at his growing dick. He had to jerk off. He grabbed it and
pumped every time John bumped into him. Even though John wasn&#x2019;t a time
player he had perfect rhythm like he was a drummer in a marching band. And this
marching band was going to war, and the battlefield was Dave&#x2019;s ass, and
the consorts were cheering the soldiers on.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yeah, take it, take it bitch,&#x201D; John moaned, &#x201C;I am the
Wizard!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
John reached over and took Dave&#x2019;s dick away from him. He started pumping
it himself as he slowed down his thrusts.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Hey, you are smaller than me,&#x201D; he whispered, &#x201C;I feel
sorry for you, bro.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave gritted, &#x201C;Gonna beat you by age 18.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;So you&#x2019;ve measured Bro&#x2019;s dick?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave gasped. He really didn&#x2019;t have a comeback for that admittedly clever
remark. He could barely think.
&#xA0;
John&#x2019;s strokes got faster, out of time with his slow, now-erratic
thrust. Soon Dave bursts from the two-pronged attack. He came all over
John&#x2019;s hand, more than he ever thought he could come. He took a big
breath and realized John wasn&#x2019;t close to stopping. He suddenly realized
what he was going to be filled with.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Pull out, pull out!&#x201D; he yelled.
&#xA0;
John did follow his orders, only to push him face-down to the rug. It was a
cheap shot but it worked on the exhausted boy. He pushed back into
Dave&#x2019;s sore and sensitive hole and continued what he started.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Can&#x2019;t stop now, the ritual isn&#x2019;t over!&#x201D; John
shouted.
&#xA0;
With no time giving for recuperation Dave knew he wasn&#x2019;t going to have
another orgasm. It just hurt so much and the only good thing was it was a
familiar hurt by now.
&#xA0;
John added even more insult to injury by putting his fingers into Dave&#x2019;s
mouth and Dave soon realized they were covered in his own cum. He bit them and
John pulled out. He only laughed at this attack and slapped Dave on the ass.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Be nice or you won&#x2019;t get into the Order!&#x201D; he said
mockingly.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I...don&#x2019;t...fucking...care!&#x201D; Dave cried back.
&#xA0;
The riding continued and John started getting close.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Oh, you don&#x2019;t know how good this feels, Dave,&#x201D; he moaned,
&#x201C;You&#x2019;ll have a great time with Jade!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Jade?!?&#x201D; Dave cried.
&#xA0;
But John didn&#x2019;t explain what unfortunately didn&#x2019;t need to be
explain. To the cheer of the consorts the Heir of Breath filled the Knight of
Time with his glory. He paused to catch his breath, suddenly jerked up, and
took his dick out of Dave. Dave feel to his side. John looked at him with
horror and guilt.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;I&#x2019;m sorry, Dave, I don&#x2019;t know what got into me,
I&#x2019;m so sorry, I didn&#x2019;t want to do this!&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave looked at John&#x2019;s still-hard dick and doubted his apology.
&#xA0;
A blushing Rose cleared her throat and the consorts stopped cheering.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;He&#x2019;s a Secret Wizard ceremony over enjoy the feast,&#x201D; she
spouted quickly.
&#xA0;
The consorts left for the feast. Rose knelt down beside Dave.
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Dave?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
Dave just asked, &#x201C;Will there be booze at this feast?&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Yes, wine and mead and such.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
&#x201C;Bring me all of it.&#x201D;
&#xA0;
----
&#xA0;
Dave woke up from the raucous feast. He was surprised at how great a party the
consorts could throw and how much booze he could drink. He pulled himself up
off the floor and looked down at his naked body. On his crotch was a crappy
pointed hat which bore, in sequins, the word &#x201C;Wizzard&#x201D;.
   1. "Oh, come on," Dave moaned.
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